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  I turned and started to run back along the path, away from him. Once I was sure I was out of his sight, I stopped and yelled aloud, wiping my lips with the ball of my thumb and fingers where he had touched me. I looked over my shoulder, double-checking that I was alone. All I could see was the empty beach, a couple of gulls wheeling overhead. Thick cloud had turned the sky a flat, dull white. I started to walk. I was going to have to tell Ewan, but in the caravan, where the walls were paper-thin and the kids would hear everything? Perhaps it would be better to wait until we’d left, in any case, otherwise he might try to have it out with Nathan. I continued to put one foot in front of the other, forcing my mind to methodically sort through the facts and potential outcomes. Nathan was a parent at the school. Ewan might lose his job there if things became heated.

  My eyes filled with tears. Since marrying Ewan, I had only kissed him; had only wanted to kiss him. Nathan couldn’t possibly have been given the impression that I was unhappy in any way, or that I had encouraged him somehow. He had no right to alter the dynamics of my marriage like this! Ewan was going to be devastated. This was going to push all sorts of buttons for him. Love? Nathan didn’t know the meaning of the word.

  I wanted to leave immediately – without having to see any of them. I could fake illness? Yes – that was the thing to do. I rounded the corner, decision made – to find Cass standing on the step of the caravan in the doorway, arms protectively wrapped around herself, her hair lifting on the breeze, as Ben spoke earnestly to her. I watched him place his hand on her arm only for her to shake him off.

  ‘Hey!’ I shouted and he turned, frightened, immediately stepping away from Cass as I marched up to them. ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘Nothing. He’s just leaving,’ Cass said. Ben looked between us then pulled his hood up and nodded politely at me. ‘Mrs Wilder.’

  I watched him lope away, disappearing between the vans, and turned back to Cass. ‘What was all that about?’

  ‘He just asked me out.’

  ‘You said no, though?’ I couldn’t help myself, horrified at the prospect of them dating and being further linked to Nathan. ‘Because you don’t like him, do you?’

  She shrugged. ‘He’s not as mental as I thought he was.’

  ‘But that’s not a good enough reason to go out with him. You only do that if you want to. You don’t have to do anything.’

  ‘Yeah, I know.’ She shivered. ‘It’s cold. Did you bring any hot chocolate?’

  ‘Julia!’ A voice called out behind me and I turned to see Storm walking towards us, immaculate in a wax jacket and jeans tucked into nut-brown riding boots.

  ‘I’ve just arrived. I wanted to surprise my boys, but neither of them seems to be around.’ She looked the caravan up and down then fixed her gaze on me. ‘Ben’s not at the cottage, and Nathan has apparently gone for a run. Hamish’s stepson said he thought Ben had come to see Cassia? I didn’t know you were here too, until Tan enlightened me.’ She smiled tightly. ‘What fun!’

  Cass snorted rudely – just for a second it was as if Lise was right next to me – and disappeared back into the van.

  I briefly considered telling Storm what ‘her boy’ had just done at the beach, but unlike Nathan I respected the mechanics of other people’s marriages. For all I knew, she chose to turn a blind eye to his behaviour. I couldn’t possibly be the first woman he’d spun that story to while married to her.

  ‘We’re going home, actually.’ I cleared my throat. ‘I don’t feel very well, all of a sudden.’

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ she said, not sounding sorry at all. ‘Such a shame. Would you like to leave Alex here with us and we’ll bring him back tomorrow so he doesn’t have to miss out?’

  ‘That’s very kind of you, but he’s seeing his dad tonight,’ I lied; the irony of my using Dom when it suited, not lost on me. ‘So I’d be having to ask you to come back a day early, which of course I can’t do. But thank you so much for the offer. Ben was here by the way. You just missed him.’

  ‘Yes, he seems to like Cassia,’ Storm said. ‘He’s mentioned her a lot at home. It’s the classic giveaway, isn’t it?’ She held my gaze. ‘He does this all the time: falls head over heels only to lose interest just as quickly when they start going out with each other. Cassia probably ought to know that. I’d hate her to get hurt.’

  Yeah, she knew what Nathan was like for sure. I hesitated and looked down at the ground as I considered my response carefully. ‘She just wants to be friends with him, that’s all. I think he realises that now. Perhaps you can tell the others we’ve left early and send our apologies. I’m sure they’ll understand.’ I looked up and held her gaze coolly.

  To my surprise her eyes filled with tears, making her appear even younger than she was and it occurred to me she might have seen what just happened at the beach. I took a deep breath. ‘Is there anything you want to say, Storm? Do you have any questions for me?’

  She gave me a strange, slightly anguished look and shook her head. ‘But thank you for asking.’ She turned on her heels and left.

  Fourteen

  Nathan

  ‘It’s so perfect!’ Hamish crowed, standing over me. ‘Look at it – just bloody look at it!’ He tapped my shoulder with his phone as I sat on the cold sand, my elbows on my knees, hands on my head. I ignored him for a moment, staring at the waves rolling in while I tried not to think about Julia running away from me.

  ‘I admit I had my doubts and I didn’t think you should use your wily charms, but I’m delighted to be proven wrong. It looks like she’s grabbed you for a quickie in the dunes. She’s not going to want her husband to see this!’ Hamish shoved the screen under my nose.

  I glanced at it and there she was – captured – my mouth touching hers. I snatched the phone from him, both horrified and aroused by the image. What had I done? I pulled at the pixels with my fingertips, enlarging her face.

  As Hamish had suggested before we’d made our separate ways down to the beach, in deliberately keeping my arms down by my side, it looked like Julia had instigated the kiss; she appeared to be holding on to me when, in reality, she was pushing me away. She had kissed me back, however, if just for the briefest moment – I’d felt it. Her eyes were closed, her lashes sweeping her cheeks, her face tilted up to me, her mouth on mine. The crashing sea and darkening clouds were swirling behind us, her hair was lifting on the wind, but we seemed to be oblivious to everything, caught up only in what mattered – each other. Anyone looking at the image would have believed we were in love, that this was undoubtedly a grand passion. My lips parted slightly in amazement as I studied the picture and, incredibly, I felt near to tears. I hadn’t cried since the headmaster informed me of my grandmother’s death.

  And yet… I blinked and swallowed, passing the phone back to Hamish – she had pushed me away. She had been angry, really angry. She thought I was mocking her, but I’d never been more sincere in my whole life – I just hadn’t known it until the second we kissed and it became impossible to ignore; like pretending the sun doesn’t rise in the East and set in the West. I love her.

  I squinted out to sea again and remembered a story I was taught at school but hadn’t thought about for years: a beautiful bird – the Caladrius – owned by the king to take away the sickness of any ill personage within the royal household. As white as snow, the Caladrius would look at the sufferer and, in doing so, draw the affliction from the person into itself, before flying away with it. The higher the exquisite bird flew towards the sun, the more the sickness would burn away, healing both the Caladrius and the sufferer on earth. It being school, they gave it a quasi-religious spin, likening the ill person to an unrepentant sinner and the Caladrius to an angry God, turning His head away, but I preferred the medieval version.

  Julia. I balled up my hands and placed the fists on my forehead; she was my Caladrius: her very presence gave me hope, made me want to be a better version of myself. Yet I had held open the door to the cage and knowingly closed it behind
her, watching her wings beat in fright when she found herself caught.

  ‘It’s a total result. Bang up-to-date evidence that Julia Blythe causes trouble for her male colleagues wherever she goes! A serial seducer!’ Hamish sat down next to me with a little gasp of effort. ‘She’ll turn a blind eye to whatever the hell we tell her to now!’

  I hadn’t fed her cheap lines – she could be the making of me. She already had been. I hung my head. I should have carried on walking away. I was so close to doing the right thing for once – possibly the one selfless act of my life – but I failed. I turned back to get a deliberately damaging photo of her… and yet the second my mouth touched hers, I realised the enormity of my mistake. I put my hand on the back of my neck and rubbed the tight muscles. My stomach felt full of wet elastic bands, slipping and sliding all over each other.

  ‘Nate? Aren’t you pleased?’ Hamish was beginning to deflate. ‘I don’t think I could have got a better shot, could I?’

  ‘You didn’t do anything wrong.’ It was my fault. I was to blame.

  ‘Right, well, you’re welcome.’ Hamish scratched his head. ‘Come on then! Buck up! Smile, at least?’ He threw his hands wide in exasperation, still holding the phone. ‘Has someone died?’

  Me. I’ve died. I was aware of the wind on my face, I could taste the salt in the air, but I felt nothing. It was already not enough to have kissed her. I wanted more. My comedown was gathering speed, and the bleak reality of what my callous, selfish plan had cost me – and her – was becoming clearer by the second. I shivered and glanced at my oldest friend, desperately sad that I’d cheapened such a profound moment in my life and sold it to him, crouched in the distance, snapping away.

  We were never going to get that back. I was never going to get a second chance at that first kiss. And what the hell would happen if she were to ever find out it had been deliberately staged and photographed? She would never forgive or trust me again. I was terrified at the thought.

  ‘Nathan!’ Hamish changed his tone, becoming firm. ‘I’m getting worried now. You’re practically catatonic! Talk to me! Tell me what you’re thinking!’

  ‘We’ve made a mistake. We shouldn’t have done that.’

  Hamish stared at me. ‘Okkkayyyy. Are you worried about Storm’s reaction if she were to see the picture, because it really does look like Julia is leading everything? I honestly don’t think you’ve got any worries there. No one but us is going to see it anyway. Julia should want to keep it under wraps, that’s the whole point. She’ll never know it exists, unless something goes wrong.’

  I thought about that and sat up a little straighter. ‘That’s true. Suppose we just stop everything now? No more films. No more collecting. No girls. No events, no networking. Maybe it’s time? We’ve had a bloody good run of it. Perhaps we should quit while we’re ahead?’ I felt my mood lift instantly. I could salvage this yet. With nothing for us to protect, the picture was worth nothing. Delete it and it never happened. I would be free to start repairing my relationship with Julia in good conscience. ‘I want to stop.’

  Hamish looked at me in astonishment – then laughed. ‘God, for a minute I thought you were serious.’

  The elastic bands tightened. ‘What if I am?’

  ‘Stop completely? And do what? Be ordinary?’

  I nodded, my smile fading.

  ‘But… Nathan… you’re not doing anything wrong! We’re doctors! We simply look at films of patients we’ve already been given permission to view in real life!’

  Patients I’ve been given permission to view. But I didn’t say it out loud.

  ‘What’s responsible for this misguided pang of conscience, eh?’ Hamish attempted cosy confidence, but it sounded more like a demand as he crossed his arms. ‘It’s her, isn’t it? Julia.’

  He spoke her name like it smelt rotten. I frowned and opened my mouth.

  ‘No,’ he held up a hand, before I could speak. ‘You’re wrong. I have no strong feelings about Julia either way.’ He raised his eyebrows pointedly. ‘But what about you?’

  I looked out to sea. ‘I’ve fallen in love with her.’

  ‘Oh God.’ Hamish let his head hang. ‘No, you haven’t!’

  I twisted to look at him. ‘Yes, I have. Why is this so hard for everyone to believe?’

  ‘She’s the first woman to reject you. That’s not the same thing as love.’ He rubbed his brow, apparently exasperated.

  ‘I want to be with her.’

  ‘Like you wanted to be with Storm? And Serena? They’re just the two you married!’

  ‘I don’t ever remember telling you I was in love with Storm, or Serena,’ I snapped. ‘Because I wasn’t. This is the first time this has happened. I know. I’m me.’

  ‘You were “fascinated”, “bewitched”, “intoxicated” – by Storm especially,’ Hamish countered. ‘It broke poor Serena’s heart and you know it.’

  I blinked in astonishment. ‘You’re not still holding a candle for Serena? You are kidding me!’

  ‘Of course I’m not!’ he almost shouted, and I drew back in surprise. ‘Sorry,’ he added tightly. ‘I’m simply pointing out that we’ve been here before.’

  ‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘This is different.’

  ‘“Love” is no more than the poor man’s description for complex biological drivers designed to further the human race. You are innately drawn to people you are a good genetic fit with. The higher the likelihood that a female will give your offspring the greatest chance of survival, the stronger the pull towards her. That’s all this is and you know it: a set of predetermined behaviours. Nothing more, nothing less.’

  ‘Why did you marry Cecily then?’ I retorted. ‘Kids were hardly on the cards; in fact you got lumbered with someone else’s and it wasn’t as if you needed her money. You married her because you love her!’

  Hamish ran a finger lightly around the edge of his phone. ‘It’s what normal people do. It’s what society expects you to do. People are suspicious of a man who has never married or doesn’t have a long-term partner.’

  I stood up. ‘I want to take the cameras in my office down. Things are going to change.’

  He paled but after a heartbeat’s pause, shrugged, ‘OK. Sleep on that for a couple of nights and then if that’s still what you want, we will.’

  ‘It is. Delete the photo, please.’ I nodded at his screen.

  ‘The one we just took? No!’

  ‘Do it, Ham. I’m not kidding.’

  He swore under his breath and got his phone out. ‘There. Done. Ridiculous!’

  ‘I want to cancel the Christmas meet-up too.’

  His mouth fell open. ‘We’re hosting! That won’t go down well.’

  ‘I mean it. Don’t book any girls.’

  ‘This is crazy! All you need to do as far as Julia goes is exercise a little bit of self-control and—’

  ‘Really, Hamish?’ I put my head on one side. ‘You’re going to lecture me about self-control?’ I looked pointedly at his gut.

  He flushed. ‘You’re a nasty bastard sometimes, Nate. Body shaming is—’

  ‘Oh, you can fuck off with your body shaming.’ I was starting to get angry. ‘Firstly, the majority of our income is derived from exactly that and secondly, telling someone they’re obese is the ethical responsibility of all health care professionals. I care enough to tell you, even though it would be easier not to, and you make out like that’s a bad thing?’

  ‘Fine. Message received. I’m fat. Thanks. You do not love Julia; you need to trust me on this.’

  I ignored him. ‘I’m so angry with myself for what I’ve just done to her, I can’t—’

  ‘Nate?’

  I clambered to my feet at the sound of a woman’s voice – but disappointingly, it was my wife.

  ‘There you are!’ Storm was posed behind me, smiling widely, hands on her hips and dressed in the most ridiculous outfit for the beach. The leather of her no doubt eye-wateringly expensive boots was already sand stained. ‘I’
ve been looking for you everywhere!’

  ‘Well, obviously not everywhere, because here I am!’ I smiled. I could practically see the blackness of decay creeping into the edges of the perfect picture she thought she was making, destroying it. ‘Have you lost your horse? And what are you doing here anyway? Checking up on me?’

  ‘I just missed you, that’s all. Have you seen Ben? Julia told me he’d just left their caravan. I wondered if he’d come down here. Julia’s going home, by the way. She doesn’t feel well. Nathan?’ She waited for me to say something,

  She was leaving? My jaw clenched. ‘I need to go for my run.’

  Storm’s face fell.

  ‘Can’t we just go and have breakfast together for once? I’ve driven—’

  I turned and ran off, leaving her mid-sentence. It was hard to see how my plan could have backfired more spectacularly, even if it had led to my finally gaining an understanding of how I truly felt. I was disgusted with myself. I’d behaved like a child.

  Fifteen

  Julia

  ‘But I want to stay!’ Alex repeated angrily. ‘I don’t care that Dad is coming to visit. I don’t want to see him! And don’t lie and say he’s not, because I know that’s why we’re going back – I heard you tell Ben’s mum. You’re not ill at all! You’ve just been running!’

  I sat with my elbow on the passenger window ledge of the car, head on my hand and eyes closed. ‘I wouldn’t worry about having to speak to Dad, Al. It’s really not going to be an issue.’ Because I made it up. As Al fell silent, I tried not to think about Nathan’s mouth on mine – all the ridiculous things he’d said. I was so angry at the thought of having to tell Ewan; the unnecessary tension and stress it was going to cause.